What I hate about weddings I love

There are two kinds of people in the world. One, those that love attending weddings and the other, that just hate the mere thought of attending a wedding. But there is also a third category of people- into which I fall- those that love attending only ‘select’ weddings.

These could be that of close friends, relatives, cousins or just some high profile wedding you have been hearing about for some time so that your curiosity gets the better of you and you have to find out what the gaga is all about. Of course, when you have been invited, this third category doesn’t believe in gate crashing.

Now, attending a wedding of a dear one is a different experience altogether. There are jokes, good humoured taunts, lots of food around and lots of people dressed to their best. But still, there are things at such pleasant gatherings that unnerve me no end, especially if you happen to be a close kin of the bride/groom to be.

What I hate about weddings I love:

1. The morning of the wedding you just can’t find a mirror to comb your hair or put on some kajal without bumping into someone. Appoopans (Grandpas) who never so much as cared to iron their shirts and Ammoomas (Grandmas) who did not even bother to match the colour of their blouse with their saree, are suddenly very beauty conscious. In fact everyone is! No one leaves the mirror alone!

2. At the venue you can never hope to see the proceedings fully even if you are on the stage. Photographers and videographers guard the stage like the guests would pounce upon the bride and groom any moment.

3. There is always some ‘well-meaning’ Ammaman or Ammayi (Uncle or Aunt) who wants to know why you are not getting married. They go to your parents and scream, “Daivame! Your daughter is 23, are you planning to keep her at home all her life? I had three kids when I was 23!” And then they take out Horoscopes and Photographs of ‘Suitable’ boys for your perusal! And all this is free service, mind you. All they expect and accept as fees is your rapt attention.

4. When it is feasting time, people behave like a group of hungry dogs who have been thrown one small bone! The moment the door to the dining area opens, it’s like an overflowing dam with floodgates open. People gush in, pushing, shoving, stamping, elbowing. If you haven’t been caught in the tsunami of starved guests at a wedding, you will not know what I mean. Every time I ‘safely’ reach my plantain leaf, with no physical and material damage, I say a small prayer of Thanks.

5. People love watching a teary farewell to the bride. So if the bride, her parents and siblings have their emotions in control, some ‘well-meaning’ person goes and whispers consolations in the mother’s ears and more often than not, they successfully make her cry. Which eventually leads to copious tears and drama and our ‘well-meaning’ person has khushi ke aasoon in her eyes.

Yeah, I guess that’s pretty much that. Oh and yes, the next day of the wedding there is at least one shameless person who pulls aside the bride to a supposedly lonely corner (in a room full of relatives where you can’t possibly find a lonely corner) and says ‘tell me what happened!’ loud enough for everyone to hear. Bride blushes and runs away or (in the worst case scenario) relents and starts recounting. And that’s when you plug your ears with your fingers and scoot!